Teenage Boy

Note:  I may diminish my credibility as a loving and caring parent because of this post.  But I need to vent, so please don't be too harsh.
Everyone makes jokes about their teenagers, but no one does anything about them...
Seriously, I was warned by parents way more experienced than I about the plethora of insane behaviors I could expect from my child when he got to be 14 or 15.  Despite the many ways I have tried to forget the follies of my own youth, I still remember how difficult it was to be a teenager and how silly and irrelevant my parents were and how just about EVERYONE over the age of ME was really annoying and basically a big pain.  So I sort of get Boy's erratic behavior, but only to a point.  

A few things I don't understand:

• Why does he dig through the dirty clothes hamper to find a shirt to wear rather than wear one of the clean ones hanging in his closet?
• Why, if he is "not hungry", does he eat an entire bag of potato chips, 2 quarts of orange juice, three peaches and my secret stash of KitKat bars in one sitting?
• Why are pork chops and broccoli "disgusting" and sour Gummy Worms "really legit"?
• How can this brilliant and gifted sprout fail a biology test because he neglected to answer the questions on the back of the test paper?  (The question which ended mid-sentence on the FRONT of the test paper was apparently not enough to clue him in that there were some additional questions on the reverse of the page.)
• Why can he get completely showered and dressed and out the door on a weekend morning in approximately 6 minutes but must take a 40 minute shower on a school morning thereby requiring he eat his breakfast either in the car or running through the halls of the school while he desperately tries to beat the bell?

I know this is so cliched, but I just don't get it.  I mean, I really really try but I still find myself, huddled in my bathroom, silently screaming "WHY?"  So many people I know are just rolling through their kids' teenage years with way less stress than me.  When I question them about how they manage and cope, they say things like "Oh, just choose your battles" and "It could be even worse" and basically act like it is no big deal that their once lovable and sweet and funny and interesting kid is now essentially a tsucheppenish*.  I think that they are probably not being straight with me...I bet they silently scream in their bathrooms, too.  And I wouldn't be surprised to learn that they probably drink way more than I do or that prescription sedatives play a major role in maintaining their calm and cool demeanor.  Whatever their secrets, my manner of coping will continue to require that I spend way more time in my bathroom...
* Huge pain in the ass