Bird Tale

We had some excitement here the other night. Around 3:00am, I am woken up by one of the cats who was in my son's bedroom and wanted to get out. So, I stumble out of bed, open up the closed door and am required to listen to the cat's litany on how terrible his 33 seconds of forced exile was. While out of bed, I decide to replenish the beasts' food bowls so they will not complain early in the morning. I am standing in the kitchen, getting the cat food when another of my cats (I have five, remember?) out of the blue, leaps from a windowsill in the dining room up the wall...I don't see what she sees, but don't really think too much about it - it is 3:00am, after all. Another one of the beasties comes flying from the hallway and SAILS through the air to the countertop and crouches as if to leap onto the refrigerator (which is crammed full of stuff). The wall leaper makes an abortive attempt at the countertop, but she is cut off by yet another cat who has woken from a sound sleep to come into the kitchen and see what was going on. I look, and perched on the handle of a basket on top of the refrigerator is a bird. The countertop croucher tenses and starts the back-side wriggling that cats do - in his walnut-sized brain, you KNOW he is thinking..."this bird is MINE!"- and prepares to leap. I yell, fling myself at the cat, the bird flies away, and all the beasts scatter and scramble, partly from fright (the bird) and partly because they now have a fresh chance at the bird (the cats). Me, I just stand there, wondering how I am going to get this apparently uninjured, healthy bird out of the house before the cats destroy it (the house).

It is by now about 3:15AM. The bird has lit onto a built-in cabinet (thank heavens it is attached to the wall), and the biggest of the cats has gotten there first and is attempting to climb up the bookcase to get to the bird. I grab the cat and quickly put him out the front door. I grab two others and they get put out as well. I now must quickly run to the rear of the house and block up the unlockable pet door, which I do with a Swiffer. Then, I run through the house shutting every door, lest the bird decide to fly around. I apparently wasn't quick enough with the pet door action, because there is somehow another cat in the house. Out he goes, along with the food bowls, onto the porch out back.

It has by now begun to rain heavily, and even though it's January, it starts thundering as well. One of the cats is afraid of thunder, so despite the fact that it is pouring down rain on him, he continues to frantically "dig" his way through the door...Another cat is howling, indignant that he cannot get in the house. Yet another, my normally docile and sweet Mama Cass I can hear growling and being generally angry because she really just doesn't like being around the other cats, and now she is stuck outside with them. It is 3:24AM.

I realize I need help getting this bird out of the house, so I go wake up Man. Out he stumbles, both of us in bathrobes, and we decide on a plan of action. Man, armed with a broom, is going to "shoo" the bird down into the hallway, where I, armed with an opened umbrella, will then deflect the bird into the vestibule that leads to the front door. Hopefully the bird, assuming he is not knocked unconscious by Man's swat of the broom, or impaled on the point of the umbrella, will fly blissfully free out the open door, into the night. So, we steady ourselves, broom raised, umbrella poised, door open, and start. The bird is gently "shoo'ed", it flies towards the opened umbrella, wings flapping furiously...it gets to the vestibule and is headed toward the open door...it can smell the sweet rain-scented night air...ahhhh....freedom...And then, whoosh..there is a flash of grey fur and a graceful leap and the poor bird, so close to escape, is snatched from the air and firmly and irrevocably stuck in the jaws of a cat...

It's 3:45AM and I am sweeping up the last of the pin feathers on the floor, and I am seriously considering getting a dog.

Dinner

So here is typical dinner conversation at my house...

Me: So, did everyone have a good day today?
Boy: Yes.
Man: Yes.
Me: Well, today I ran into an old girlfriend of mine who just returned from an around the world cruise with husband number EIGHT and their 2 children whom they adopted after their house was burned to the ground in a freak 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey' incident and they were on their way to Greece because the new husband actually is a secret agent who is now assigned there to investigate some shady dealings on the topsy-turvey financial market but first they need to find a temporary home for the horses they adopted from an old racehorse rescue group...gee it was good to see her!
Me: (to son) What did you do today?
Boy: I made a candy cane so sharp that I could stab myself with it. (Man looks up with interest)
Man: Oh yea? (hereafter ensues a fifteen minute conversation between Boy and Man regarding the technical aspects of the construction and engineering of the super sharp candy cane of death, the practical applications of such a weapon and the discussion of how manufacture could be mass-produced).
Me: -sigh-