Hell No; I Won't Go!

So the southeastern coast of the US, where I live, is maybe-possibly-could-be-in-the-path of a hurricane that is predicted to make landfall near me sometime in the next couple of days. I really don't worry about hurricanes anymore, not since the BIG one of 1998. Now, I have a lot of respect for Mother Nature, but once you've been through what I've been through, you kind of take it all in stride. In 1998, there was a massive storm approaching the coast. This sucker, Bonnie, was so huge and so terrifyingly strong that pretty much the entire southeastern seaboard was required to evacuate. Boy was just a toddler at the time, still in diapers in fact, which is why we decided to evacuate. We figured we owed it to him to make sure he lived long enough to at least be potty trained. So I packed a small cooler with snacks and water, loaded the kid into his carseat and headed north to Atlanta to stay with friends. Man was following us a little later in the day with the cats and a few other irreplaceable items. My goal was to get on Interstate 16, which would pretty much take me where I wanted to go. I was driving the Mommy Mobile (a little Volvo station wagon which was quite possibly THE un-hippest vehicle one could drive), but I had my little guy, good music and some food so I was all set for the 4 hour trip. The short drive to the Georgia border went quick. I was zipping along, belting out the 'Winnie-the-Pooh' song, crossed over the Talmadge Bridge and had the interstate in my sights when I came to a stop...

There was literally a sea of cars in front of me. I downshifted all the way to first gear and there I stayed for TWELVE HOURS, creeping along at maybe 5 miles an hour. We were going so slow, people were picnicking out of the beds of their pick-up trucks and the trunks of their cars WHILE THEY WERE STILL DRIVING! Families were walking behind their cars, pushing little ones in strollers, tossing frisbees, etc. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. It was like Interstate 16 was a Wal-Mart parking lot on a Friday night. It was the worlds biggest and slowest parade and it totally sucked. After 3 hours in traffic, I left the first of many messages on my friends answering machine. It was something along the lines of "Way more traffic than I expected...I'll be there a little bit later than I thought." Another hour later, I called her back and said "This is really getting on my nerves...I have been driving at like, 2 miles an hour for HOURS now...hopefully I'll be there soon." The next message was "I was going to turn around, but all the southbound lanes have been changed into northbound only. Things are looking up, though...we're cruising along at almost 20 miles an hour now! Be there in no time at all!" The next call was a bit more panicky..."OK, it's been 7 hours now, I am out of food, I have to pee, Boy is crying, people are getting UGLY out here. I'll call you when I get closer." Another hour or so later, I left this message: "My house AND my entire city better be LEVELED by this bitch, or I am going to be REALLY mad I have sat in this freakin' horrible car on this damn road for MORE THAN EIGHT HOURS FOR NO REASON." Hour nine's phone message was unintelligible, as I was by that time hyperventilating. An hour later, my message held the promise of death to the jerks who had erroneously forecast this monster storm hitting the Florida/Georgia/South Carolina coast. Later still, gut-wrenching sobs and shrieks of frustration that I still had not even reached the half way point to Atlanta were preserved on on the celluloid of my friends machine. My last message, at 11:00 at night explained that I was spending the night at some church a mere 85 miles from home...I was not being allowed to turn around and go home, even though the emergency had long passed. Man, who left our home some 6 hours AFTER me and Boy did, turned around and doubled back on the 'back' roads to meet us at the church that housed us all for the next two days, until the southbound lanes of the interstate had been re-opened and we could get home again.

So that's why hurricanes don't freak me out...I have been and am going to continue to be one of those weird people you see being interviewed on The Weather Channel who says "hell no, I'm not evacuating..."

Im ok u r ok 2

Every time a friend of mine has a thought to share, she texts me. And she usually sends long, involved texts - discourses on an outfit she is thinking about buying; what she thinks our kids should do next summer; a new recipe for hush puppies. Stuff that really requires a face to face conversation or at least, a telephone call. But, for some reason, she has decided that talking on the phone is not for her anymore and so I am forced to try and communicate with her on her terms. But, I'm afraid that our friendship is suffering because of it. Part of the problem is my technology impairment - stuff like this requires that I learn a new skill set - namely learning to push the very small buttons on my cell phone the required number of times to enter the correct letter, symbol or number. I do NOT have one of the phones that has a little keyboard built in and so I rarely capitalize or punctuate any texts I send. The keypad on my phone has numbers and a pound key and a few others, but it is certainly not a mini typewriter by any stretch of the imagination. When faced with answering her texts, I am also forced to try and use the fewest possible letters and respond as QUICK as I can, because if I don't answer her right away, she sends another text which causes my phone to delete whatever I am in the middle of typing. And, on top of poorly composed responses I always misspell stuff, too. So this is how a usual text session goes...

(her text) Do you want to go 2 Target w/me?

(my text) i thinl...

(her text) I want to leave @ 11. Is that good?

(my text) i think thavwould bfun and...

(her text) Would you rather go to Savannah to the mall? I want to see if I can get a new espresso machine at that groovy kitchen store that just opened.

(my text) i thinktgat target would be bditter becausei have to b...

(her text) Ooohhh...I know - let's go to the mall and then scoot over to "Ulta" and get some of that peppermint soap we love so much!

(my text) yer that will bfin...

(her text) Well, I guess you can't go today. Too bad. Maybe another day - text me back when you get this. XOXO

(my text) ZES!!!

You see what I mean?