LOL

In chatting with a girlfriend, I mentioned that I had the house to myself...a rare and unexpected occurance. My friend asked me why I wasn't in the bath with a glass of wine enjoying my solitude. My response... "The tub is dirty and my kid made Jello in the wineglasses."

Five Reasons I am Really Glad to be Unemployed

In trying to be upbeat and keep a positive spin on my life, I am seriously trying to find the really significant fabulous reasons to be happy that I do not have a job. Here is what I have come up with so far:

1. As a card carrying member of the "I Love to Sleep and I Hate Morning" Club (this is a real club), I don't have to get up early on the weekdays.

2. My cosmetics (which are approximately six years old now) should last indefinitely.

3. My wardrobe, which currently consists of three pairs of blue jeans, one white "grown-up" blouse, 8 pairs of shorts, 15 T-shirts and numerous bathing suits, should also last indefinitely.

4. I will not miss out on the Jehovah's Witness ladies when they come to my door.

5. I do not have to wear 'real' shoes; boat shoes and tinnies will do for any occasion!

Holiday Cheer

So, how despicable is it to sabotage a neighbors "Giant Frosty with over 100 Christmas Carols Outdoor Holiday Decoration with Flashing Action"? I personally find it totally acceptable to take defensive action when said neighbor leaves town for a few days and neglects to turn the "Giant Frosty with over 100 Christmas Carols, etc."... OFF!

And, while I do appreciate that occasional Christmas Nativity scene, my other neighbor's life-size illuminated display of the major participants in that event have lost its' appeal now that the lighted figures flash on and off violently throughout the evening...

I am relieved and happy to say that this evening, Frosty is silent. I swear all I did last night was unplug it...Now for those pesky flashing wise men!

Super Woman

So, when I am in Mother Earth Mode (MEM), I do things like clean the house, do the gardening, cook meals that have more than two ingredients and write nicely worded, caring messages in thoughtful and appropriate greeting cards for friends. Unfortunately, while in MEM, I cannot seem to look for a job, just sit and watch my favorite movies on TV, shop for anything other than wholesome, nutritious farm fresh foods or get around to shaving my legs.

When I am in Non-Mother Earth Mode (NMEM) I drive too fast, shop with reckless abandon, have no patience with the 8 year old boy next door who comes to our house simply because he adores using the recently remodeled bathroom, and I even use shaving cream to shave my legs! There are some women who can do it all...I know one of them, and she is LEGENDARY in this town. To add to my feelings of inadequacy, she works full time as, get this...a nurse. She also does volunteer work, makes her own holiday gifts and can grocery shop for food for more than one day at a time (yes, she is that organized). I have no clue how she does it. She frightens me with her intensity. My only consolation is that beneath those perfectly ironed scrubs, she maybe has legs that need to be shaved!

Rejection

Well, another job I didn't get...This rejection letter isn't quite so bad as the others - it just says that after assessing all the other applicants qualifications, another candidate was selected for the position. Based on the title of the job I am not getting, I am kind of glad because it sounds like a really boring job. So there. Didn't want that dumb old job anyway!

Holiday Party

So, Christmas is fast approaching and I, once again, am slow to jump on the holiday extravaganza bandwagon...This year, though, I am determined to actually enjoy the season. Every year, two wonderful friends of mine throw an outrageous, totally over-the-top holiday party with fabulous, decadent food and a seemingly endless supply of booze. The guest list is so diverse and distinguished, the people so much fun and so very interesting, I am honored that they even include me. Last year, my husband and I took advantage of having a night time babysitter, and we went toy shopping instead of going to the party... When I called to make our apologies, my friends were a little annoyed (they don't have kids), but they forgave me. The year before, we showed up at their party the day before the big event (I got the date wrong). Of course, we didn't have a sitter for the next night, so we had to skip it that year. The previous year, my husband had an allergic reaction to the Christmas tree, and we debated about going to the party or the ER. The hives won out, and we stayed away from the festivities. So you see, I really owe it to myself to make it to this party...otherwise they may scratch me off the guest list once and for all!

Terror in the Cities

The outlets people develop for their creative talents is really impressive. Now me, I am not really creative unless the project involves Popsicle sticks, paper-mache and those plastic roly-poly eyes. I recently read about these people who KNIT their graffiti: Armed only with knitting needles and balls of wool, they unleash their creative juices and cover urban objects in colorful, thought-provoking designs. I wonder if they do this under the cover of night like most other vandals? And, can you imagine the conversations they must have while they deface public property when in groups or with a buddy? 'Yeah man, I thought I'd really raz those jerks by using McAll's pattern number 736 sleeves over the hydrant... hey, can I borrow your circular needles, I can't find mine in my fannypac...Oh damn, I've dropped a stitch!' In Knitting Circles all over America, needles would stop...poised in mid-air like shiny toy airplanes, as this newest threat against America's cities was evaluated...the threat of Guerilla Knitters!

Crisis in CRISIS

So, I was reading up on mid-life crisis' - you know, just to see if what I am thinking and doing and feeling is typical. Big surprise for me...according to someone way more learned than I, there are actually FIVE types of mid-life crisis...

Now, not only do I have to figure out how to get through the silly thing, I have to figure out what type of crisis I'm having. Just peachy! It took me about a year to realize that I didn't have some aberrant personality disorder...I wonder how long it will take me to figure out what kind on mid-life crisis I am actually having?

Reunion

So, I just got word from a friend that my thirty year high school reunion is happening sometime in 2010. I remember when I used to feel that I wouldn't probably even live to 30, much less be out of school for that long! I really don't remember many people from high school - I went away to college and moved 800 miles away from home pretty soon after after I graduated. I lost my yearbook, so I can't even brush up on names and stuff. As it is now, I can recall about five of my fellow classmates...

Of course I'm going.