Tourists

There is no easy, quick way to get to where I live. I mean, you can't really just 'find' my town on the way to somewhere else - it has to be a planned destination. Which is why I am so confused by all the people that have wound up here. How did they find us? Why did the find us? Having spent so much of my time in a town that had a huge seasonal population and dwindled down to about 2000 people or so in the 'off-season' you would think I would get it. Well, for any newcomers to the area, I am going to fill you in on a secret. We may say, real polite like, that we are glad you are here, but we really aren't. As I read on a bumper sticker once..."If it's Tourist Season, why can't I shoot them?"

Justin Who?

So, I read alot. But, what I find is happening to me is that I am beginning to ignore reality. I can hardly bear to read the newspapers...there is just so much horrible stuff in there. In addition to the super crummy real life stuff, there is this other junk. Like, who is this Justin Beiber guy? He is everywhere in the media, talking about his HAIR (?) and FASHION (?) and a host of other topics I don't find all that interesting even when I am sitting around with a group of my girlfriends blabbing. Who is this guy? Do I need to know what he is saying? What he is thinking? Is he going to be the one who resolves the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? The one who figures out how to end the wars? The person who is able to dissolve all the political tension and outright hate swirling around us? I'll listen if that's the case. But, considering I turned on the television last night and there was Justin Beiber who turns out to be, like FOURTEEN years old and an aspiring pop singing star, I don't think I am going to pay too much attention to what he has to say. I am pretty happy here in my bubble for now.

MEN: Gotta Love 'Em

Yet another reason I love men: they are so much more creative and innovative than women in some ways. For example, police arrested a man who was trying to break into prison to spring an inmate. The guy dressed himself as the Peanuts character, Snoopy. A prison employee said "It's not every day you see a giant cartoon dog trying to break into a prison. He wasn't exactly inconspicuous." The other remarkable part of this story is that after Snoopy was arrested, he found out that he tried to break into THE WRONG JAIL. That's because despite this guys innovative spirit that led him to don such a great disguise, he wouldn't ask for directions to the correct prison. A woman simply would have tried to remain hidden from prison officials and as quietly as possible, break out her buddy. BOR-ING!

Along the same lines, Police arrested two men on robbery and other charges at the bank in Fairfield, Connecticut recently. Apparently confusing bank robbery with buying take-out, they had helpfully called ahead to order a bag of $100,000 in large bills. They also asked if they could get that without dye-packs. 'You can't make this stuff up,' said a police spokesman. The police futher reported that the pair turned up at the bank about 10 minutes after making the call - where they were met by police in the parking lot. In a masterpiece of understatement, the police spokesperson told the local newspaper 'I would classify these individuals as "not too bright."' Women, on the other hand would not have attempted to rob the bank in the first place, BUT would have called the local Chinese Restaurant to arrange for dinner instead. Sheesh! Where's the fun in that?

Organizational Skills

Does anyone remember filofaxs'? They were those trendy organizer notebooks people used in the 1980's. A filofax was regarded as a "must-have" accessory in the days before electronic organizers. I never had one of them. Now of course there are blackberrys and iphones and a host of other stuff I also don't have. But, what I do have is a refrigerator and lots of magnets - in short, the world's largest personal organizer. Children's dental appointments, soccer schedules, class picture reminders, school improvement council meetings, et cetera, are all there, stuck under a rare earth magnet strong enough roughly, to hold the state of Rhode Island on my refrigerator door. Bills that need to be paid, lunch dates, pedicure and hair appointment reminders, roofing company estimates, and all that sort of stuff are conspicuously posted at eye level on the freezer door by another strong earth magnet which is disguised as a picture of a lighthouse. Yet another section of the refrigerator is devoted to business cards and contact information for people that do boat repairs, up-to-date fishing information, fishing license applications, boat registration and so on. Because this is where the really important stuff is, there are a host of very strong magnets keeping these documents safe and securely fastened. On the side of the refrigerator, there are a few pictures, neighbors house keys and phone numbers, and other stuff, that while certainly important, are relegated to a less prominent area (I consider that side of the refrigerator my filing cabinet). Occasionally, like when company is expected, or when I don't want to be reminded of what chaos my life is, I will clean off the refrigerator and put everything in a neat stack on my desk. Which is akin to setting fire to it, as I can't find what I need unless it has a magnet holding it up in front of my face. Of course, my personal organizer is not portable, like some of the fancier models I mentioned earlier, but I don't have to worry that it will become obsolete or unfashionable any time soon!

Domestic Bliss

My dishwasher is holding my dishes hostage. For real. I can not open the door. About 3 months ago, the lever that locks the door broke, and it has been getting harder and harder to open ever since. When you could still get the door open, you needed to be very careful as the spring mechanism which supported the door and allowed it to gently glide open was also broken a bit, so the door was a little heavier than expected. A few nights ago, the door inexplicably fell open and completely ruined the gizmo that holds the door up. After that, when the door was open, it was nearly resting on the floor. That made unpacking the dishwasher a bit of a challenge as the racks that hold the dishes would just sort of SHOOT out of the dishwasher and you had to be ready to catch them. So now I don't know what to do to free my dishes. I tried sticking a screwdriver into the latch and wiggling it free, but all I succeeded in doing is breaking something else deep inside the lock. I guess I need to re-think my stand against using disposable plates and cups in my home, or go buy a new dishwasher and some new dishes to go with it.

Bah!

"I have always relied on the kindness of strangers" - Scarlett O'Hara

Luckily for her, Scarlett wasn't depending on strangers to assist her on I95 when her horse died!

Wedding Bells

So, as time has gone by, I have learned quite a bit about mid-life crisis' in general and my own in particular. I have heard of some people who have dealt with and presumably resolved their issues and dissatisfaction with themselves and their lives by buying motorcycles, getting various body parts pierced, dumping their current spouse/partner, getting tattoos, moving, making major changes in their appearance, and so on. Well, I think this beats all of that: I have read about this guy who is convinced that he is truly, deeply in love with a woman he was friends with 35 years ago when they were both 12. They live about 600 miles apart and they have not seen each other since they were kids at summer camp together. They have only talked on the telephone and have written to each other and they are GETTING MARRIED IN JUNE. I mean seriously getting married like they have printed invitations, reserved a place to have a big party and all the other wedding stuff. The only thing they have not arranged yet is finding someone to marry them. They are both supposedly very religious and both want to get married in a church, but they are having trouble finding a pastor who will marry them because of the situation. Maybe it's just me, but if I was choosing a life partner, I would, oh, I don't know, want to be able to recognize them! This seems like a really extreme way to work through a mid-life crisis. Heck, give me a good old-fashioned tattoo anytime!

Boo Boo

So one of my cats is old. She is 17, which translates into like, a jillion people years. When she stands up, she needs to collect her hips under her for a few seconds before she starts off. She walks in this kind of loping, swaying, jerky way. Watching her climb down stairs is like watching a Volkswagen Beetle go over speed bumps... She sleeps in the driveway when I am out, waiting for me to come home. She does not move from the driveway when I try and pull in, although she does wake up and stare at me with a critical eye. Only until I open the truck window and yell "Hello, Boo Boo!" to her she will condescend to move off the driveway and allow me to park. She still sometimes terrorizes the other cats in the house, but not so much as she used to. But, she is still the great defender against other interlopers that may wander onto our property, or heaven help them, try and come in the house through the pet door. She will solidly hold her ground and hiss and growl and posture until the stranger slinks away. She used to follow my son all over our neighborhood and even to the little park next door with us and go down the slide in his lap (her idea). She was his protector, too and she still insists on sleeping in his room - on his bed when it's cold and in her little bed on the floor next to his when it's warmer. She is a bit frail, lumpy where she once was sleek and frequently stands in the middle of a room not quite sure what she is doing there. She loses her patience with the young cat in the house, and complains when she doesn't get her way. She is the queen of the castle, and she and I seem to have more and more in common as the days goes by.