A Glimpse Into My Future

It's odd that I wasn't ever aware of just how much my child took over every facet of my life. I had a chance over the last week or so to not exercise any parenting skills as my son was away at a school event some 900 miles away (954 miles, to be exact). And, I got a peek at what my life used to be like before I spent most of my time requesting that teeth be brushed, bedroom floor detritus be somewhat minimized, re-assuring that neither Santa Clause nor God considered it a truly grievous sin to hide the cat's toy from the cat, cleaning play-doh out of the trumpet, de-coding cryptic messages scribbled in permanent 'Sharpie' ink on the door to his room, drying tears cried in earnest because of a mean kid at school, explaining that of course there is dancing in heaven, and probably golf and fishing, too, et cetera. With my parenting limited to a three-minute phone call peppered with monosyllabic yeses and noes (his contribution to the conversation), I was forced to compare what my life as a parent and my life as a non-parent is like. This is what I came up with:

• As a parent I must wait until the child is in bed ASLEEP before drinking alcoholic beverages of any kind (including strong cough medicines). As a non-parent, I can start cocktail hour whenever I want.
• As a parent I need to be sure the child has clean clothing. As a non-parent I can exercise the practice of leaving dirty clothes in the hamper for so long that the dirt molecules actually break down and go away without water or soap. Similarly, the heat generated by the dissolving dirt also IRONS the clothes. Pretty nifty, huh?
• As a parent, I cannot neglect the child long enough to spend 14 hours a day in bed reading, 8 hours a day on the boat, or 16 hours a day sleeping. As a non-parent I can.
• As a parent, I need to feed the child nutritional food on a regular basis. As a non-parent, I can revert to my former preferred diet of artichoke and gouda cheese sandwiches and pizza when I am hungry.
• As a parent, I realize there is no greater and wonderful challenge and gift than being the child's mother. As a non-parent I missed him like hell!

So, I guess what I am trying to say is that even though it felt like the end of the world for me when my son was away, there are some definite benefits to having your child grow up. As people way more experienced than I with this parenthood thing have probably already figured out, your life doesn't actually end when your kid grows up. I have seen the future...and I think it's going to be okay.

Roomies

I read this article about a guy who did not know that there was a person living in one of the closets in his house. She lived there for a YEAR before he noticed her. He found out about his uninvited housemate when he began to realize there was FOOD missing from his refrigerator, and installed a camera system to solve the mystery. Now, I find this news story entirely plausible, given the state of the closets in my home. One could easily overlook a person because of the plethora of CRAP in the closets. In my house, the closets are simply dumpsters with doors.

Tourists

There is no easy, quick way to get to where I live. I mean, you can't really just 'find' my town on the way to somewhere else - it has to be a planned destination. Which is why I am so confused by all the people that have wound up here. How did they find us? Why did the find us? Having spent so much of my time in a town that had a huge seasonal population and dwindled down to about 2000 people or so in the 'off-season' you would think I would get it. Well, for any newcomers to the area, I am going to fill you in on a secret. We may say, real polite like, that we are glad you are here, but we really aren't. As I read on a bumper sticker once..."If it's Tourist Season, why can't I shoot them?"

Justin Who?

So, I read alot. But, what I find is happening to me is that I am beginning to ignore reality. I can hardly bear to read the newspapers...there is just so much horrible stuff in there. In addition to the super crummy real life stuff, there is this other junk. Like, who is this Justin Beiber guy? He is everywhere in the media, talking about his HAIR (?) and FASHION (?) and a host of other topics I don't find all that interesting even when I am sitting around with a group of my girlfriends blabbing. Who is this guy? Do I need to know what he is saying? What he is thinking? Is he going to be the one who resolves the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? The one who figures out how to end the wars? The person who is able to dissolve all the political tension and outright hate swirling around us? I'll listen if that's the case. But, considering I turned on the television last night and there was Justin Beiber who turns out to be, like FOURTEEN years old and an aspiring pop singing star, I don't think I am going to pay too much attention to what he has to say. I am pretty happy here in my bubble for now.

MEN: Gotta Love 'Em

Yet another reason I love men: they are so much more creative and innovative than women in some ways. For example, police arrested a man who was trying to break into prison to spring an inmate. The guy dressed himself as the Peanuts character, Snoopy. A prison employee said "It's not every day you see a giant cartoon dog trying to break into a prison. He wasn't exactly inconspicuous." The other remarkable part of this story is that after Snoopy was arrested, he found out that he tried to break into THE WRONG JAIL. That's because despite this guys innovative spirit that led him to don such a great disguise, he wouldn't ask for directions to the correct prison. A woman simply would have tried to remain hidden from prison officials and as quietly as possible, break out her buddy. BOR-ING!

Along the same lines, Police arrested two men on robbery and other charges at the bank in Fairfield, Connecticut recently. Apparently confusing bank robbery with buying take-out, they had helpfully called ahead to order a bag of $100,000 in large bills. They also asked if they could get that without dye-packs. 'You can't make this stuff up,' said a police spokesman. The police futher reported that the pair turned up at the bank about 10 minutes after making the call - where they were met by police in the parking lot. In a masterpiece of understatement, the police spokesperson told the local newspaper 'I would classify these individuals as "not too bright."' Women, on the other hand would not have attempted to rob the bank in the first place, BUT would have called the local Chinese Restaurant to arrange for dinner instead. Sheesh! Where's the fun in that?